I realize what I’m having done this week is done thousands of times a day across this country.  But I’m still kinda freaked out, and it shows because I’m unable to focus on work and things that need doing.   So I am just going to quit trying.  For today, I mean.

Most of you know i’ve been able to access basic health care, which is great, and the Harris Health System (for Harris County) is pro-active and aggressive about the whole “prevention, screening, and early-detection” model.  And, having worked in public health myself, I understand that this is the most efficient and cost-effective way to ensure a healthy society — prevent disease when you can, and catch disease early to minimize and eliminate issues as much as possible.

But in the last 2-3 months (since my trip to hospital in March), every test they run on me reveals some other issue that needs attention.  They say, “If there’s nothing wrong we’ll send you a letter; if there’s an issue or concern we’ll call to schedule a follow-up with a specialist.”    And only ONE letter has come back — my chest x-rays are clear.  Yay.

Long story a little shorter, this week I get my lower gut scoped.  This got scheduled because there was blood in my stool sample.  This is also the exam I tried to get when I turned 50 and was unable to do so because it wasn’t on the insurance at that time.  But my grandfather died of colon cancer, and Mother died too early to know if she would have gotten it also, so I am particularly concerned here because i’ve been having unusual pains anyway.

Sooooo….  I have my jug of Golytely and tomorrow I do a clear liquid diet alllllll day, and then drink that jug of junk, and Wednesday have my colonoscopy.  I am dreading it enormously, and I am distracted from doing the things that I need to be doing for work, mostly out of fear for what the procedure itself will be like and then what the procedure will reveal.

I can’t even sit still to knit for relaxing focus today.  I want to run a hundred miles or sleep for a week, alternating back and forth.  Annoying as hell.  I started washing dishes a couple hours ago, and they’re still not done.

I know there are several dye jobs needing my attention, along with the enormous pile of amazing fibers and other goodies.   I am sorry for the horrible delay, but my attention span is just not present and accounted for.

When I get back from hospital on Wednesday, it will be done and nothing else I can do about it, so I should be able to focus better and get things cleared up and done by the weekend.   Until then I beg your forgiveness.  Living alone means I don’t have an immediate sound-board to talk it out and stay focused.  I know the colonoscopy is a super routine procedure that everyone gets to have done, but what I know and what I feel are two different things.

Thank you for your indulgence a little longer.  After Wednesday I won’t have another doctor visit until early July when the urology clinic investigates my boy bits (another visit, which was scheduled after the boy-bits had an ultrasound a few weeks ago — see?  every time they look at something, it’s another thing to worry about).

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